1
- Hello?
Erwin?
Oh, God.
Uh, I can see you.
Get out of there.
- Hey, I'm running late
for after-school pickup,
so let's hurry this up.
- Bring me to the Antichrist.
- Honey, I gotta bring myself
to the Antichrist, all right?
So what's your thing?
You need her blood
for eternal life?
Gonna use her as a vessel
to rule your shitty realm,
what?
- Burn her skin and eat
her bones for ultimate power!
- Okay, sure.
You shall die by my hands,
puny mortal!
Antichrist body will be mine!
Fuck!
I forgot about this coupon.
Ugh.
Chrissy.
God damn it, Laura.
- Oh, mother, you are alive.
Hey.
Wow.
- Hey, I was about
to come get you.
Finally got groceries.
You hungry?
- No, I ate with Amanda.
She made a salad
with something called
an heirloom tomato.
- Who the hell is Amanda?
- She's a cool mom
who drove me home
because my actual mom
was nowhere to be found again.
- Isn't Amanda a fucking peach?
She is.
She knows the nutrients
you're missing
based on the color
of your aura.
She's, like, literally a witch.
- No, I'm literally a witch.
- Anyway, I'm in a rush.
- For what?
- Back to School Night.
- That's for parents, right?
Why didn't you remind me?
- Oh, is that my job,
to remind you of things
any moderately-invested parent
would know?
You want me to do
your taxes too?
Apply for a loan?
- Okay. Okay, Jesus.
- Anyway, you hate that stuff,
parents ogling over
their kids' art projects.
- Yeah, I'd rather jam a knife
up my asshole.
You're off the hook then.
Plus, Amanda said
she'd cover for you.
- She did, huh?
You know what? I'm gonna come.
- 'Cause you're threatened
by Amanda?
- No, because I'm your mother,
and I should be there
to support you.
- Fine.
Just promise
you won't make a scene.
Uh, hello?
- And just be chill, okay?
- I'm chill, baby.
Chill, chill, chill, chill,
chill, chilly-chill, chill.
- You have ground beef
in your hair.
Hiya, miss.
I'm Gossy the Gopher.
Welcome to Back to School--
- If you ever touch me again,
I turn you
into a true crime doc series,
understand?
- Mom!
Okay, quite a grip.
- I'm gonna age ten years
tonight because of you.
I can feel it in my bones.
- Honey, look,
that lady's feeding her child
like a baby bird.
That's Amanda,
and it's called nature bonding.
If you watched anything
other than Top Deer Hunter,
maybe you'd have heard of it.
Well, I can't wait
to meet this headband
with a smile.
- Hey there, Chrissy babe.
You must be Laura.
- Oh, my God, I am. Hi.
And you must be Amanda.
Uh, yes.
- Chrissy babe won't
stop talking about you.
It's like she has a defect.
- She is the best.
Yeah.
- All of her teachers
think so too.
- Oh, you're-you're discussing
my daughter with her teachers.
How thoughtful of you.
- As a PTA president,
I make sure to communicate
with the teachers and children.
I--wh-what can I say?
I love helping.
- Oh, I'm glad you have all
the time in the world to help,
what with me having
to work full-time.
Oh, hon, we all work.
But as mothers,
our real job is taking care
of our kids, right?
- You should come
to a PTA meeting sometime.
- We've sent you multiple
messages about joining.
- I'll be there with bells on
when I'm done
protecting my daughter
from the dark forces
that threaten her
and all of human existence.
- Girl, it's so great
that you feel like
you're doing a good job,
but Chrissy here,
and I do feel like
I have to speak for her,
she wants some normalcy.
Okay?
I say that all the time.
- Mom, don't.
- Look at the painting
she made.
It's clearly a cry for help.
Have you considered
getting Chrissy therapy?
- Oh, fuck you!
Fuck all of you.
I'm not listening
to a bunch of participation
trophy moms telling me
that my kid needs therapy
because she can't paint!
News flash:
they all suck at it!
None of this matters.
Ma'am, let's chill
in front of the students--
Oh, God.
No, not Gossy.
- You're unstable.
- I don't give a shit
what you
and these other moms think.
Suck on my clit!
Language.
Reverse ribbed condoms
for his pleasure.
- Cologne that smells
like a wet dog.
- A cadaver so juiced
it'd make Joe Rogan
cream his pants.
- And I'm ready for another one
of Baka's bachelor parties
where we murder dumb humans
just for kicks.
- Don't give me that look.
Every week it's Dad this,
Dad that.
What about the boys?
Baka's badass.
This is his tenth marriage,
you know.
- These guys are
my actual friends
who I haven't seen
in centuries,
so don't embarrass me
with your weird snake shit.
- Bro!
- Baka!
Oh, yeah.
Looking sharp, baby.
- Oh, man, I missed you.
- Yo, Mabel,
had some work done, huh?
- Peeled off
a supermodel's face.
Now it's my mask.
And Bogey, you're still--
- Unmedicated
and ready to mingle.
- Where'd you get
that human skin suit,
the Micro-Penis
Men's Warehouse?
- Yeah.
I used your employee discount.
- And how about
this son of a bitch?
Tenth time's a charm,
am I right?
- Come on.
You know I'm gonna eat her.
- Of course
you're gonna eat her.
- I'm gonna eat my wife.
Munching.
- Whoo, whoo!
- You finally did it.
You birthed the Antichrist,
you old son of a bitch.
That's right.
Straight shooter
right here, baby.
Strong little spermies.
- Better not get soft
on us now.
- Hell no, you dumb asshole.
Would a softy do this?
- I hit my own driver.
That's pretty wacky, right?
I'm unhinged.
- Good, because when
Maximus Dawnus begins,
you boys know
what that means, right?
- Doing badass shit forever.
- My mom's boyfriend will see
that I'm really not a fuck-up!
- Yeah! Back on top, baby.
- Like I was
with your moms last night.
- You dirty dog.
Oh, my God. Apologize?
She accused me
of being a bad parent.
- You ever think
she might be right?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- You forget to pick me up.
First time you come
to a school event,
you beat up our mascot.
- That asshole needs to learn
how to respect
personal boundaries.
- You're incapable
of putting my needs
ahead of your insane ego.
- You have no idea
how much I do for you.
- Amanda does much more
in her day for her kids
than you've ever done for me.
- What?
- And you'll never be
a normal mom if you keep
- Flying off the handle
at inappropriate times.
I'm done. I'm out.
- Fine. Fine. Be out.
I'm gonna--I'm gonna
stop being angry
and prove to you I can be
a more normal mom than Amanda
or any of those assholes.
- You're off to a great start.
Normal mom throwing
a normal glass of whiskey
at the normal wall
after being asked
to leave school grounds.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's me.
Mrs. Normal.
Normal, normal--
These are anger leeches,
Darlene.
Instead of blood,
they suck out rage.
I'm gonna beat those mothers
at their own game
and make Chrissy happy
I'm her mom.
- I'm not sure
if out-momming is the thing
to win over a teenager's heart.
I always found
listening to be--
- All right, shut up.
Tell me a story.
- Really? Okay. Gosh.
Where do I start? Okay.
I was talking
to my friend Darlene.
Long story.
I was at a speed dating thing,
and I was like, "Wait,
your name is Darlene too?"
And she was like,
"Hell yeah, bitch!"
So keep that in mind for later.
- Get to the fucking point!
- Oh, yeah.
My chiropractor,
Seong-Mi Darlene--
in Korean, it's also Darlene.
- So there we were,
three Darlenes in a bar--
That's the start of a joke.
Wow. That shit really works.
So anyways, I found out
my chiropractor was
in the Magic Mike prequel,
Magic Michelangelo.
And so I told her,
it's called Lexapro
not Lexa-rookie for a reason.
Hey, everyone.
What's, uh--what's going on?
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
I asked Amanda
and the other moms over
so I couldapologize.
My behavior last night
was inexcusable.
- Uh-huh.
- Your mom told us
you vocalized
your need for her to be better.
It was your strength, Chrissy,
that's shown her she can.
- My strength?
She said that?
- I understand now
that you more than anyone
have been affected the most
by my behavior.
I trust you to make
your own choices,
and I hope you will trust me
to support them.
- Uh, okay.
Will you support my decision
to buy
those Jessica Simpson
ankle boots?
Here you are, Chrissy.
And I'd love to volunteer
for the PTA,
that is, if the offer's
still on the table.
- Of course it is.
- Sure.
- Oh, I'm here
for this moment, ladies.
I haven't seen
this much personal growth
since Ruby went to rehab.
I used to eat couch cushions.
Hmm.
She's pouring rosé,
volunteering her time.
Something weird's
going on here.
- Oh, for sure.
But it's working out for me.
Hello?
Harold?
Still polishing
our blood diamonds
at this hour?
Ah!
Oh, it burns so good.
- Is this
an "eat the rich" thing?
Are you AOC?
- Hi.
- Check this shit out.
Oh, dear, wine and cheese.
Tax havens.
Okey dokey, artichokey.
- My turn, fuckers.
Time to get inside
of some meat sacks.
- Oh, this is
what it's all about.
- I'm tent-poling already.
Hey, look at me.
I'm bad grandma.
I have loose hips.
I'm ready to fill up this hole.
Now let's shake things up.
- The fuck, dude?
- An incidental death
doesn't count.
We all know that.
- Yeah, that's true, but--
- You guys keep going.
I'm gonna go outside
and bury it, uh, a-alive.
What the hell
are you looking at?
You never seen a guy stuff
a live girl in a trunk before?
- I'm saving it for later.
Are you gonna yap my ear off
all night?
- You say anything,
I'll turn you
into a pair of snakeskin boots.
Yeesh.
- That was fucking awesome,
Bak!
Yeah!
On to the next stop.
Frat house!
Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Murder. Torture.
- Let's binge-butcher
some Homo sapiens.
- Butts. Delicious.
Murder. Torture.
- Hey. Yeah, right.
Let's do this, baby!
Tight frat butts!
Oh, don't mind if I do.
Huh?
Chrissy!
Ah, sorry, Erwin.
I didn't know
you were doing, uh
whatever you were doing.
- Apologizes, Chrissy Feinberg.
I was just having
my biannual bath
when the water went out.
- Yeah. I know.
Did my mom forget
to pay the utility bill
or something?
Your mother's been
off the grid for years.
She runs things her own way.
- Ah. Okay.
So how do I get
the water back on, then?
To replenish the water supply,
descend
into the haunted well
- Whoo!
Place rod in dirt,
then ingest
wet, scaled vertebrate.
- Sorry, buddy.
Don't worry.
Frat boys do it all the time.
Terra Lacrimae!
It worked! Yeah, motherfucker!
Oh!
Excuse me.
- Whoa. That was a lot.
At least the water's back.
Your mother's been
distracted as of late,
so you might have to take care
of her other chores.
- Oh. Was this in your ass?
- That list is more or less
the recurring responsibilities
with which
I've seen her preoccupied.
- And why are you tracking
my mom like that?
- For when I escape.
Ooh, sprinklers!
- Well, if she can do this
day in and day out, so can I.
- I'm being watered!
- Oh, Amanda, you have chosen
the exact perfect grouping
of vegetables.
- I know.
- Holy dick! Look!
- Laura, this is beyond.
When did you ever
find the time?
- We're moms.
When do we find time
for anything?
Am I right?
Yas, queen. Yas.
I don't keep clocks
in my house.
- Come on,
us moms are passing out condoms
at the make-out point,
or as the kids call it,
Penelope Michael's house.
- Okay.
I'll be right behind you.
Just gotta clean up.
What is retrograde?
Trimming the garden
is essential.
- You dick.
Use hedge shears
to trim plants.
Also use hedge shears
to stay alive.
Once you've gripped the Raiju,
you must act fast--
they eat flesh.
Grab the current clamps
and place them on each nipple,
and voilà.
Electricity.
Who wants to see my dick?
- All right, boys, highest
body count wins starting
We're gonna be alive forever!
- Now!
- I'd like to pledge
to kill every last one of you.
- Oh, shit, let's make 'em
chug their own blood.
- Come on, Saty, do that
organ reorganizing trick
you used to do.
- Give 'em butthole mouths.
- Oh, right, right,
right, right.
One ass mouth coming up.
Run, boys, run.
- Oh, no, you don't.
All right, here we go.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
Come on. Come on. Do it.
Do it. Do it. Do it.
Poke it. Just poke through it.
Poke through it.
Just poke it, motherfucker.
I can't do it.
I can't even kill
some soon-to-be
LinkedIn thirst trap.
Chug, chug, chug, chug.
- Chug! Drink that shit!
Whoo!
Deep throat.
Deep throat. Deep throat.
- Fucknabbit.
- Yo, is this a prank, bro?
- Didn't I tell you
to shut the fuck up?
- Look, the devil doesn't
get twisties.
He twisties the necks
of worthless flesh bags
with his cool,
sociopathic friends.
- Oh, we got
Snakey Fucking Freud over here.
- Oh, I should get
massively loaded.
That'll help.
- Whoo!
- I set a new record, dog.
Where were you?
- Uh, I wa--I was
doing normal shit.
Murder, et cetera, et cetera.
- Murder et cetera?
My man!
- Hey,
there's an orphanage
up the block.
Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Let's fucking rip
some kids' hearts out.
Slice 'em up!
Here we go!
- I love a white wine
I can see through.
- Cheers to us.
- Yes, to us.
Cheers, ladies.
Next week, we should really
organize a protest
for organic lunches
at the school.
- Ooh! A can drive
for can-do attitudes.
- Yes.
- Ladies, ladies,
I polled the kids
around school,
and they said
what they'd want most
is to go to school
without fear.
So I made them
adrenal gland calming stickers.
Laura's a goddamn genius.
What did we do
before you?
I just came.
Yeah!
Whoo!
- Enjoy it!
Youth doesn't last forever!
- She must be going
through a lot of stuff.
- Kill Antichrist.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Whoa!
- Huh. Checkmate.
Fucking get--
- Ah, monster of the week.
Check.
Mom! Mom, help!
- Aw, my little
Chrissy Wissy Poo's
fighting her own monster.
I wish I could help, but I have
to prepare for the potluck.
Tear out his heart, honey.
Kill him and whatnot.
Mom, what the fuck
is going on, and where are you?
I could have died
a million times today.
I should be out playing.
I'm 13, and I had to feed
toenails to a goblin
to get the gas back--
What is happening?
- Oops.
Should have locked
the door, sweetie.
It's ocupado.
What the hell is--
- You go, girl.
What's happening?
Are they gonna kill us?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
- You gonna just
stand there and watch?
Your whole bit is
that you got arms.
Fucking help me.
What's the haps, Satan?
Huh? Oh.
- Holy fuck.
Sweet air. Sweet air.
- Hey, that's the nun you said
you were about to disembowel.
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I wa--I was, uh--
- And that's the teen
from before.
Hi.
- You didn't bury her alive.
- Did you save her life?
- Ah, fuck it.
I don't care anymore.
Yeah, I didn't kill her.
- Ha! I knew it.
The rumors about
the Realm of Realms were true.
Satan's turned
into a soft, little baby.
- I'm not soft.
I don't enjoy
this shit anymore.
Destroying realms is epic.
These murder games
are just dumb.
And so are all of you.
I figured that out
all by myself.
- You really called it, Baka.
Satan is a huge wussy,
flabby pussy.
- If you guys knew I was lame,
why did you invite me out?
- Because, dumbass,
you're our meal ticket.
You thought we'd been
hanging out with you
all these centuries
because we like you?
Hell no!
- But if our meal ticket
is expired
- Then it looks
like we're gonna
have to find
another way to eat.
Agh!
- Aah!
Oh, fuck.
To perish by the very means
I live by.
Oh, the irony!
A true ouroboros.
No!
- How's that for soft, bitches?
Oh, it burns.
- Let's get the fuck
out of here.
What a horrible way to go!
- Me drive? How come?
I'm being digested
- Oh, right.
Right, right.
By a fucking snake!
- Oh, that smells delicious.
- Guys, you need to go.
My mom is--something is wrong.
- What exactly do you think
is wrong with her?
And do you mind
if I record this?
Let's get her canceled.
I mean help.
- I don't care
about the stupid potluck,
and my mom shouldn't either,
and that's why I'm--
Hello, ladies.
Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.
- This is the grossest shit
I've ever seen.
- All of you look gorge,
per usual.
- What are those things?
Why are they all over you?
- These are my anger leeches.
We are all one. We love anger.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, anger.
- Mom, you have to take them
off of you.
- But we are here for you,
child.
Your mother has given us
the gift of her anger.
In turn, we have given her
the gift of freedom
from her pain, her body.
Aww.
- Not aww!
This shit stops right now.
- What the--
Ha!
This is how you've been
one-upping me, huh?
You see this, ladies?
She's a cheater.
- You cannot hurt us, child,
unless you wish
to hurt your mommy.
Do you really want to hurt her
more than you already have?
- Chrissy, your mom loves you.
Everything she does is for you,
including cheating.
- Fuck you, Amanda.
Please, snap out of it
and be a bitch again.
You are so much better
than all of these shitty moms.
- If by better,
you mean she has
a mind-altering
substance abuse issue,
then sure, she's better.
You know what? Fuck you!
Fuck your mom!
You have no idea how I have
to take it up the tailpipe
day in and day out.
I do everything for every one
of my goddamn family!
Your mom isn't better than us.
She's got it easy,
and I'd fucking kill
to be in her shoes right now.
- Well, I heard your husband's
thinking about leaving you,
so you might get your wish
soon enough,
at least
that's what Jenny said.
- You shitting me?
After I bought you
that rose jade quartz roller?
- I didn't ask for it.
- You fucking needed it!
- You make your son eat
out of the palm of your hand
because he's the only thing
you can control.
- Oh, fuck you, Jenny!
- Oh, fuck you, Amanda!
Chrissy, why are these cunts
in my house?
- Oh, shit.
You're coming back.
What else pisses you off?
Let's hear it!
- My life is not my own!
Someone slap me
so I can feel something!
- I'm tired of having
to hide my anger
because it puts people off!
- Just because you breastfed
your kid until he was four
doesn't make you
a better mother than me!
- I haven't slept
more than four hours in years!
- I don't even have a kid.
I just love groups!
- I killed the family cat.
- I look at myself
in the mirror, and I punch it!
A pumpkin is
the most basic, lazy,
Halloween costume for a baby.
I want to break shit!
- Mom, help.
There's too many.
- Chrissy?
I feel hungry
for kicking some ass.
- Thank God, cause this shit
really sucks.
Get it? Ha! Not the time.
- I'm sorry
about all of this, Chrissy.
I bet you wish
I was still nice.
- Fuck nice.
I'd take the psycho
real version of you
over the nice one any day.
I need you.
- Die, mothersuckers!
- Oh, that was
really something.
- Okay, everyone, please get
the fuck out of my house.
- At least you said please.
Can I ask you something?
- We spent all night
beating up on you,
giving you noogies,
pissing in your hat,
and you still saved me.
how come?
- Shit.
I friend.
- Are you quoting Paula?
You tacky son of a bitch.
You're ribbing me,
you cheesy fuck.
- Your mind's in the gutter.
Where it should be,
if you're a snake.